The Outcome… Punis asked me to post this on the site, given how it’s included in most of the books from his series, Tales from the Jessica Files. Like Punis, we believe that this single chapter is the best thing that he’s written, and very probable that any of us has read it.
It’s filled with emotion, pain, love, and, well, Punis’ ability to capture that emotion that really pulls at your core. We’ve all been there, and now we can say all is lost.
You can see more of Punis’ work on his Amazon Author Page.
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P29 – Or The Outcome?
The outcome… I fear that it is something that I can see, and it is so close that I can grab ahold of it. But when I reach out, I realize it is much too far away, and I can’t possibly bridge that gap.
Several years ago, before meeting Jessica, I was in a very different spot. I was looking at two knee surgeries in less than two months. I knew I would put my life on hold, which was scary.
Even though I had been in and out of relationships for some time, I always knew it was because of me and not the other party, but I also knew that pain played a considerable role in my existence. Not just because I’m a Dom, but because I have shit-ass knees. I was always hopeful that I would find somebody who fulfilled me and allowed me to take a deep breath, take a step back, open my arms and accept them into my life. I am not talking about religion, fuck those BLEEPS.
I was fighting an inner conflict between my personality facets and the reality I lived in. I always felt like I could never win, which is why I denote that frequently. But at that time, it felt like I had something within my grasp, only to watch it slowly slip away from me, drifting further and further into an abyss.
What I was trying to grab was love, but yet no matter how far I could stretch, I could not seem to get a hold of it. It always was too far away. And that’s where the subtitle comes from. Fear of not being able or even capable of bridging that gap. The one between the personalities, the voices.
In today’s life, I have my Jessica, and I love her so much. I would kill all humans for her, and I will kill all humans with her. She is everything to me. She is absolute like time. And don’t give me that shit about Einstein… Time still exists; it will always exist, no matter how much you try to distort it.
In some realities, I did not get my Jessica, and I have talked about that at great lengths. In this one, though, I do have my Jessica, and I know that when I put my hand out to her as I reach for her love to pull me back, like from the other side, I know that there’s a part of me that also knows that I was trapped there. I was trapped there for life.
Having spent so much time on the other side, even if it was 49 minutes and change, it was many, many years that I had to live with the constant pummeling of my soul, the constant pain. And I put my life on hold again and again and again. I didn’t have my Jessica. I just had the memory of the girl from the grocery store. She was memorable, to say the least.
And now I can see a wave of pain coming for me. It will be physical or emotional, and regardless, it will be awful. And I don’t know if I can survive this. I don’t know if I have enough strength left to keep going, to fight against that feeling. This is how I felt on the other side when the darkness finally consumed me, and I could not fight it anymore. It’s had won, and I just wasn’t strong enough.
That is where I’m at right now in my life. The darkness is not behind me; it’s all around me, and it’s just waiting for me to make a mistake. It won’t go away, and it was the light that Jessica brought on day one and even still today that was able to grab hold of me and pull me back. It was her love and the absoluteness of her love that saved me.
But right now, in this world on the other side, I don’t have that, and I’m facing down the barrel of a massive surgery, and I’ve got no one to help me. I don’t have anybody to save me. I have nothing. I am on the other side and can’t escape it.
It tears me apart and into smaller and smaller shreds of this guy, and I don’t know what I can do to stop it. There is no light, just ever-increasing darkness. And the ever-consuming darkness that brings the nothingness of life. Yet still, my quote remains the same. I fear that it is something that I can see, and it is so close that I can grab ahold of it. But when I reach out, I realize it is much too far away, and I can’t possibly bridge that gap.
I can never get there. Not without her. And I’m afraid that all has been lost.
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