Chapter 1 of this story is probably, The Backstory. I decided that I wanted to share some thoughts that I have generated and the craziness of my mind.
Recently I shared a blog post with a very close friend of mine, The Reverend, and he was kind enough to give me a critique about it. The issue that I was writing about was how much of a screw-up I feel like, and it was a rather lengthy post, about a thousand words.
Being overly critical about myself, more so over the last 1.5 to 2 years, in the decisions, I have made and how I continue to have to live with the ramifications of such actions.
I’m delighted that I shared this with him as his feedback was fantastic, and below are two pieces of those thoughts. I won’t break them down, I don’t think, but I wanted to share.
“I know you’re in a dark place most of the time. I understand the pressure. I wish I could do something to elevate your self-esteem and prop up your self-worth.”
“The hardest thing for me to learn was self-forgiveness. It took a long time to cut myself a break on some dumbass choices I made. They still haunt me sometimes, especially when I’m feeling down. But I have to remember that I am past that decision, and it’s over—no going back. Still, I’m nowhere near perfect, so I, too, fall into that trap.”
While I hadn’t considered if the conversation would see the light of day, it is essential to note a few things that sometimes get overlooked or are unseen. These are parts of the story, in this case, the backstory.
The issues that I’m going through right now, along with millions of other people, I would add, are the feeling that the walls are closing in and that there are fewer and fewer options available.
What is all that mean? I’m sure that the average person can figure that out, and I’m not going into that part right now, but I want to highlight the feeling of helplessness that one can have when one has nothing. I want to quote Gerald Celente:
“When people have nothing left to lose, and they’ve lost everything, they lose it.”
To me, that is like the walls starting to close in. And that quote is something that I have referred to or generally spoken about for many years. I believe that it has helped me keep some level of sanity in the insanity that is my life.
It was always an option that I had in the recesses in the back of my mind. The backstory continues.
I have nowhere to go if things were to get worse. I will eventually run out of money. I have nowhere to move. I have nowhere else to live. I have been concise and exceptionally clear with those around me that I have no intent or willingness to be homeless.
I am not going to leave my boys. That is a statement of fact, not an opinion.
One of the keys to this backstory is the boys. The boys are everything to me. Without them, I would have found the dark place a lot sooner. They give me hope as I make my way through the darkness.
My Penguin is a normal, regular black tuxedo kitty, and he is super amazing. He’s seventeen and a half now. He is the last member of my band of three musketeers. Penguin is the nexus kitty, as he has known all kitties I have had, both past and present.
It’s pretty amazing to think about because that covers:
- Brandy Rai, My 1st Maine Coon & Amazing Companion
- Monster, My 1st Ragdoll & The Supreme Commander
- Sho Rai, Nothing Else Compares To The MASTER |1419
My kitty backstory is so amazing. I am so blessed for what I have had, and for the fact that I currently share my life with Penguin and the boys:
- Takao Rai, The Fluffy Savior Of ALL Humanity |2018
- Shiro Rai, Another Big Boy Orange Fluff-ball |2019
But what happens when you start running out of options? What happens when you have nowhere to go or nobody to turn to because you are by yourself? That is my question, and that’s why it is so important to set that in a backstory, to give context.
This issue has pushed my anxiety levels to new heights, and there is nothing that I can do for myself to help stem the rise or subdue it. Yet another point to the backstory.
What exactly does that mean? What exactly does that statement signify?
Years ago, I dated a gal in a very on-and-off relationship again. Very good human and somebody who I am still friends with. I still play words with friends with her. A very worthy opponent who typically beats me, but that’s another story.
Something that she beat into me that has severely affected my psyche was that, well, two things.
- One, you are not that special.
- Two, “Ain’t nobody gives a shit about anything you have to say.”
That in itself is the main reason I have never really pushed myself very hard with my blog, and generally speaking, when I did write, I wrote to say whatever I wanted, not a story, let alone a backstory, because I don’t care.
It was a humbling learning experience, much like many of the other ones that I’ve had where they were either incredibly painful or incredibly financially painful. Like getting married…
But it realizes that you’re not special, just like everybody else and that nothing you do matters to anybody other than yourself. That has been a humbling experience because everybody wants to feel like they mean something to somebody.
Why am I going on and on about this? What is so important about that? Is it straightforward okay? It’s not that simple. That’s why it’s’ called a backstory. Yes, a backstory.
She explained to me while we were together, as well as after our relationship ended, that the intent of the comment wasn’t to be hurtful or mean but to help me come down from my high horse where I thought that I was much better than everybody else, (which I was IMO), and that reality dictates differently.
That was a very eye-opening experience to be told that… to be said that. Some 6+ years later, the damage to my brain has multiplied and, in some regards, been incredibly crippling—a replicating, viral disease intent on destroying me.
The statement made by that ex has stayed with me and still haunts me now. It has negatively impacted several functions of my life. And the two most notable would be jobs and relationships.
And that is the end of the backstory. There will be more to come…
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